"I can drive" I violently protested.... but Nikhil wouldn't hear the
end of it ... " Jeez man ! you just got thrown out of a bar for
chrissakes .... I know your life is falling apart but isn't this too much
? "... I stared at the puddle at my feet ... watching the ripples
fade away ... " No ! This is normal ... This happens ... Go home .....
You've got a wife and kid waiting for you ... " Nikhil shook his head
in disbelief and told me straightforwardly .... " Look , I've put up with
your bullshit for too long ... Its like this every weekend ... You cry
about your life and in the end I have to hear about it .... what more I
have to pay for all this shit ... I thought you were my wingman , the
guy who taught ME to have a good time ... .... I've had enough " he
sighed , " I'm going home" .
I saw him got into the car and drive away. I knew I was sloshed. It had been the same for the past 4 weeks. If it wasn't Nikhil it was someone else .... No matter how many times I decided not to let my emotions get in the way ... they always were ..... No matter how quaint it sounded , no matter how cliched it felt ... It was still the oldest story in the book. She was gone. There were vague memories , but I thought I loved her ... at least some part of the time .... but then .. when you start thinking about the end , you always think about how it began.... Fuck it .. I wasn't going to let HER of all people come and invade my solace ...
1800-4651 ... speed dial ... for a habitual drunkard .. it was normal to have the cab company on speed dial...
Dealing with the voice "interactive" system was such a pain ! I directed the company to the present street , or at least what I though to be the present street... and I told them them that I was alone ... I wondered at that moment if there was a calmer thought in the world than being alone. And a voice told me reassuringly that I will be met with "service" in 15 minutes.
Now, what do I do with 15 minutes.... Its funny that when you're drunk you always think about the women that seemingly wronged you.. The marriage , the 11 years and 11 months and finally the separation. For some reason , I hadn't been able to get over it for the past 5 weeks. I always thought of it as her wronging me , her betraying and her leaving me. I thought about me as being the gentleman and doing the right thing. Asking her to marry me when she got pregnant. Defying all the odds as some critics would say and then starting a family when we both were clueless. And then SHE walked out on ME ! The bitch !
There was a faint glimmer of headlights in the distance and since I didn't want to be seen wallowing in self pity I got up from the sidewalk. It was beginning to drizzle anyway so I was relieved when I saw the headlights turning towards me.
I got in."Where to ?" drunken bastard , he might as well would've added. Regaining some strands of sense , I told him to take me to a train station. The nearest one .. I added. He looked at me quizzically and said " You DO know that the trains have stopped running at this hour, Don't you ? " I wavered for an instant and said, " Look, My head is spinning and I have just my heavily disappointed 11 year old daughter to go to. I live in 16/9 Groves street. Could you take me there ?" . With bent eyebrows he looked at me " Are you alright ? At this time it would take you 500 bucks. Do you have the money ?"
In the stupor that I was, I checked my wallet. 30 bucks. Crap ! Damn you Nikhil! Granted you didn't want to be a part of sob fest but you could have lent me some money ! " Can I pay you tomorrow ? You can come by my house and collect the fare" I begged. " " Get out of my cab ! You drunken idiot. I've seen too many of your kind and I'm already in a huge debt !" he cried. I couldn't blame him.
Consider this. If you were summoned to a nightclub at the middle of the night and instead of looking at a drunk pretty young thing in the rear view mirror you see a good-for-nothing almost-40 guy who's making excuses, what would you do ?
I got out of the cab and took a few steps towards the ledge.It was beautiful. Looking at it even at 3 in the morning with all lights on , the Marine Drive takes your breath away. Sea on one side and Mumbai on the other.I just went and sat on the ledge. I couldn't think of a 'next' move. I was exhausted. I was spent.Lucky me, the cab driver was generous.
" Hey there , You okay ?" he offered. He came to me and sat down right next to me. " Whats your problem ? ". " Try thinking you are in love and then marrying the wrong girl. Living with her for 11 years and then she leaves you and the kid for the next best thing. Heh ! " The chuckle was as hollow as a drained coconut." Look , Life is shit so deal with it. If you think there's some magical answer to all of life's problems, I'm sorry. There is none. It sucks today and it will suck tomorrow. I know everyone's told you this but, I'll tell you once again. There is no easy way. Deal with it. And for fuck's sake help me get you home. Lord knows I have enough problems at home to let you be a shining star of a headache in my book. Let's go." Somehow, this one time, I got up. I thought , maybe I'll think about this later. The poor guy's gotta go home. Let me too.
He started the taxi and we were on our way.
As he drove, I saw the lights. The blinding array. The bright yellow neons. I remembered the first time I was here with her. How we laughed and got high. How we threw stones at the sea and how we thought the world to be ours at that moment. The mere visualization was so sick that I had to roll down the window for some fresh air. It was all gone. The memories were a figment of the past and the future held nothing but a vortex of pain and longing. I was the epicenter of it all. I was the crux of it all. I thought of not taking the blame but who was I kidding ? It was me. Even though I had never cheated and that I had always been truthful, I was it. There was a better man than me and she had gone for him. I stuck my head out of the window and took a deep breath. I needed it.
" Are you okay ? If you're feeling sick, we can stop." the driver said. 'No I'm fine. Keep driving" I replied somberly. " Don't mind this, but can I ask you something ?" the driver ventured. You too ? I wondered . "Go ahead." I said. "Whats eating you ? I can see that you're torn.We've got time. I mean we can talk about it if you want. "I sat upright, took a deep breath , and for and inexplicable reason, let it out in a single go. " I'm almost forty , married the wrong woman. Been out of a job for 3 months. Have the sole custody of my child since my wife is partying in Seychelles with a 25 year old guitarist from Goa who apparently ' moves her soul ' .I have mounting debts and ..... did I mention a CHILD ? " boy .. that sucked. Ever since I came to terms with all the facts, I'd never said it so. It didn't make me feel any better.
He smiled " Been there. How old is your kid, again ?". " Eleven " I replied. " You should see her. Always in the highest of spirits. Always smiling . Sometimes I think she doesn't know of pain. And boy does she love to dance. In fact there's a parent kid dance thing coming up in her school. I wonder how it would go. " I sighed. " Don't worry man . Kids love the parent that stuck by them. Always. I know. Don't worry about it. Its all gonna work out. You'll see." He smiled. That pity was unwarranted but necessary. I guess I was looking for it all along. " Here we are at your address. and don't worry about the fare. Gimme whatever you have and we're even." His breath ranked of liquor. And I was afraid to be drunk driving. Talk about irony. I gave him the money and bid him farewell. As he put the car in gear he asked " So , do you think you'll be going to this father daughter dance tomorrow. You know you should ! " . " You kidding ? I cant dance. I have ... like.. two left feet. " I smiled at him, acknowledging the little company he provided me with in the past few hours. " Okay ... but you should go . Your daughter would love it." Again with his smile." Goodnight cabbie" was all I could say.
I turned the key into the lock and tread carefully inside. I tiptoed across the living room and was just going to go upstairs when a faint noise caught my attention." Dad ! its 5 in the morning! " wailed a sweet voice. " I know sweety. Daddy just had some work." Somehow I knew this was not going to be enough." DAD ! You're always busy ! I wonder if you ever stop and think about me at all. did you ever think there was someone worried sick here at home ..... " just like her mother. always crying at high pitched tones." You should be asleep you know. This is no time to be awake." a faint attempt at a reprimand. " Don't kid me. I know you must be out with Nikhil uncle because he's already called about a dozen times ! " she screamed. I didn't like it when she screamed." OK baba ... I'm sorry ... will never happen again" I promised. " Whatever... now take me to bed ! I'm sleepy " she said.
I walked to her and then lifted her in my arms and took her to bed. " Don't worry sweetheart. Sleep for as long as you want to. There's nothing important tomorrow anyway. We can get a movie and watch it after lunch." I smiled at her and got the nice snuggle instead. She was already asleep. I put her on her bed and walked downstairs. I kicked my shoes and laid out on the sofa. I knew i was going to fall asleep soon. It had been a long night. My only thought as I was falling asleep was how she got her wheelchair down from the bedroom. I didn't want to think about it.No matter how messed up I was, she was my daughter after all....
I saw him got into the car and drive away. I knew I was sloshed. It had been the same for the past 4 weeks. If it wasn't Nikhil it was someone else .... No matter how many times I decided not to let my emotions get in the way ... they always were ..... No matter how quaint it sounded , no matter how cliched it felt ... It was still the oldest story in the book. She was gone. There were vague memories , but I thought I loved her ... at least some part of the time .... but then .. when you start thinking about the end , you always think about how it began.... Fuck it .. I wasn't going to let HER of all people come and invade my solace ...
1800-4651 ... speed dial ... for a habitual drunkard .. it was normal to have the cab company on speed dial...
Dealing with the voice "interactive" system was such a pain ! I directed the company to the present street , or at least what I though to be the present street... and I told them them that I was alone ... I wondered at that moment if there was a calmer thought in the world than being alone. And a voice told me reassuringly that I will be met with "service" in 15 minutes.
Now, what do I do with 15 minutes.... Its funny that when you're drunk you always think about the women that seemingly wronged you.. The marriage , the 11 years and 11 months and finally the separation. For some reason , I hadn't been able to get over it for the past 5 weeks. I always thought of it as her wronging me , her betraying and her leaving me. I thought about me as being the gentleman and doing the right thing. Asking her to marry me when she got pregnant. Defying all the odds as some critics would say and then starting a family when we both were clueless. And then SHE walked out on ME ! The bitch !
There was a faint glimmer of headlights in the distance and since I didn't want to be seen wallowing in self pity I got up from the sidewalk. It was beginning to drizzle anyway so I was relieved when I saw the headlights turning towards me.
I got in."Where to ?" drunken bastard , he might as well would've added. Regaining some strands of sense , I told him to take me to a train station. The nearest one .. I added. He looked at me quizzically and said " You DO know that the trains have stopped running at this hour, Don't you ? " I wavered for an instant and said, " Look, My head is spinning and I have just my heavily disappointed 11 year old daughter to go to. I live in 16/9 Groves street. Could you take me there ?" . With bent eyebrows he looked at me " Are you alright ? At this time it would take you 500 bucks. Do you have the money ?"
In the stupor that I was, I checked my wallet. 30 bucks. Crap ! Damn you Nikhil! Granted you didn't want to be a part of sob fest but you could have lent me some money ! " Can I pay you tomorrow ? You can come by my house and collect the fare" I begged. " " Get out of my cab ! You drunken idiot. I've seen too many of your kind and I'm already in a huge debt !" he cried. I couldn't blame him.
Consider this. If you were summoned to a nightclub at the middle of the night and instead of looking at a drunk pretty young thing in the rear view mirror you see a good-for-nothing almost-40 guy who's making excuses, what would you do ?
I got out of the cab and took a few steps towards the ledge.It was beautiful. Looking at it even at 3 in the morning with all lights on , the Marine Drive takes your breath away. Sea on one side and Mumbai on the other.I just went and sat on the ledge. I couldn't think of a 'next' move. I was exhausted. I was spent.Lucky me, the cab driver was generous.
" Hey there , You okay ?" he offered. He came to me and sat down right next to me. " Whats your problem ? ". " Try thinking you are in love and then marrying the wrong girl. Living with her for 11 years and then she leaves you and the kid for the next best thing. Heh ! " The chuckle was as hollow as a drained coconut." Look , Life is shit so deal with it. If you think there's some magical answer to all of life's problems, I'm sorry. There is none. It sucks today and it will suck tomorrow. I know everyone's told you this but, I'll tell you once again. There is no easy way. Deal with it. And for fuck's sake help me get you home. Lord knows I have enough problems at home to let you be a shining star of a headache in my book. Let's go." Somehow, this one time, I got up. I thought , maybe I'll think about this later. The poor guy's gotta go home. Let me too.
He started the taxi and we were on our way.
As he drove, I saw the lights. The blinding array. The bright yellow neons. I remembered the first time I was here with her. How we laughed and got high. How we threw stones at the sea and how we thought the world to be ours at that moment. The mere visualization was so sick that I had to roll down the window for some fresh air. It was all gone. The memories were a figment of the past and the future held nothing but a vortex of pain and longing. I was the epicenter of it all. I was the crux of it all. I thought of not taking the blame but who was I kidding ? It was me. Even though I had never cheated and that I had always been truthful, I was it. There was a better man than me and she had gone for him. I stuck my head out of the window and took a deep breath. I needed it.
" Are you okay ? If you're feeling sick, we can stop." the driver said. 'No I'm fine. Keep driving" I replied somberly. " Don't mind this, but can I ask you something ?" the driver ventured. You too ? I wondered . "Go ahead." I said. "Whats eating you ? I can see that you're torn.We've got time. I mean we can talk about it if you want. "I sat upright, took a deep breath , and for and inexplicable reason, let it out in a single go. " I'm almost forty , married the wrong woman. Been out of a job for 3 months. Have the sole custody of my child since my wife is partying in Seychelles with a 25 year old guitarist from Goa who apparently ' moves her soul ' .I have mounting debts and ..... did I mention a CHILD ? " boy .. that sucked. Ever since I came to terms with all the facts, I'd never said it so. It didn't make me feel any better.
He smiled " Been there. How old is your kid, again ?". " Eleven " I replied. " You should see her. Always in the highest of spirits. Always smiling . Sometimes I think she doesn't know of pain. And boy does she love to dance. In fact there's a parent kid dance thing coming up in her school. I wonder how it would go. " I sighed. " Don't worry man . Kids love the parent that stuck by them. Always. I know. Don't worry about it. Its all gonna work out. You'll see." He smiled. That pity was unwarranted but necessary. I guess I was looking for it all along. " Here we are at your address. and don't worry about the fare. Gimme whatever you have and we're even." His breath ranked of liquor. And I was afraid to be drunk driving. Talk about irony. I gave him the money and bid him farewell. As he put the car in gear he asked " So , do you think you'll be going to this father daughter dance tomorrow. You know you should ! " . " You kidding ? I cant dance. I have ... like.. two left feet. " I smiled at him, acknowledging the little company he provided me with in the past few hours. " Okay ... but you should go . Your daughter would love it." Again with his smile." Goodnight cabbie" was all I could say.
I turned the key into the lock and tread carefully inside. I tiptoed across the living room and was just going to go upstairs when a faint noise caught my attention." Dad ! its 5 in the morning! " wailed a sweet voice. " I know sweety. Daddy just had some work." Somehow I knew this was not going to be enough." DAD ! You're always busy ! I wonder if you ever stop and think about me at all. did you ever think there was someone worried sick here at home ..... " just like her mother. always crying at high pitched tones." You should be asleep you know. This is no time to be awake." a faint attempt at a reprimand. " Don't kid me. I know you must be out with Nikhil uncle because he's already called about a dozen times ! " she screamed. I didn't like it when she screamed." OK baba ... I'm sorry ... will never happen again" I promised. " Whatever... now take me to bed ! I'm sleepy " she said.
I walked to her and then lifted her in my arms and took her to bed. " Don't worry sweetheart. Sleep for as long as you want to. There's nothing important tomorrow anyway. We can get a movie and watch it after lunch." I smiled at her and got the nice snuggle instead. She was already asleep. I put her on her bed and walked downstairs. I kicked my shoes and laid out on the sofa. I knew i was going to fall asleep soon. It had been a long night. My only thought as I was falling asleep was how she got her wheelchair down from the bedroom. I didn't want to think about it.No matter how messed up I was, she was my daughter after all....
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